Sam's Word of the Week - Monday 30th May, 2005

Fox (n)

Related to the dog, these animals are extremely unpopular, known to wreak havoc around farms and neighbourhood shopping centres. Just last week foxes ranked sixteenth on Who Weekly’s list of “The World’s Most Annoying Pests”, behind flies, cockroaches and Ray Martin. Controversy has surrounded the children’s classic “Fox in Socks” by Dr Seuss, recently taken out of the children’s section in bookstores worldwide, due to concerned parents questioning if the fox was wearing anything else. Foxes cunningly use turnip chips as bait to attract sheep, before pouncing and eating the sheep themselves.

Sam's Word of the Week - Monday 23rd May, 2005

Chalk (n)

A piece of soft, porous, coloured material. This item is mostly used to write on such items as blackboards. Chalk is grown on chalk trees by farmers all over the world, and alongside water, is quickly becoming one of the world’s most precious resources. Teachers are the biggest users of chalk, but a recent trend shows that they are shifting towards using the enemy – the whiteboard marker. With the recent release of the new Star Wars film, the new craze sweeping schoolyards nationwide are chalk sabres. Sadly, this is resulting in the new condition known to hospitals as “chalky eye”. Chalk is easily snapped; which causes the fingernails to scrape the blackboard, producing that awful screeching sound that everybody loves. Germany is world-famous for its annual chalk-eating contest, in which Hans Bleicher gained a world record for consuming 363 sticks of chalk in an hour. He died sixteen minutes later. Recent university studies have discovered that chalk and turnip chips taste extremely similar, so much so that identifying between the two tastes blindfolded is near impossible.

Sam's Word of the Week - Monday 16th May, 2005

Gargle (v)

The art of tilting the head back, holding a liquid towards the back of the mouth and breathing air through the liquid to create a sound similar to “urrghlhhrlughlhurgghh”. This sound is often used to make those penguin impressions that so attract the ladies, not to mention the other penguins. Olympic swimmers, shooters and ping-pongers are infamous for gargling for at least fourteen minutes straight as a warm-up routine before their respective events. A rapid increase in gargling has occurred recently in Australia due to a number of All Bran eaters realising after they had eaten their cereal, that there was an image of Derryn Hinch on the front of the cereal box. These people have also become world record holders, travelling at the speed of sound to try and get as close to a nearby sink as quickly as possible. Recent studies have discovered the average human would need to gargle something as strong as paint to get rid of the aftertaste of the turnip chip.

Sam's Word of the Week - Monday 9th May, 2005

Squelch (v)

The sound produced from treading in thick mud, a bucket of slime, or a pile of slugs. Lesser-known causes for this sound include dropping a walrus into a lake from a great height, diving headfirst into a small bowl of jelly, using a Care Bear as a toilet plunger, and also the hair product as it is put through Ian Thorpe’s new, “fashionable” mullet on Logies night. According to recent university studies, this sound is best created when sitting on large quantities of soggy turnip chips.

Sam's Word of the Week - Monday 2nd May, 2005

Orchid (n)

A tropical plant of great popularity among those over 65 who have no pressing assignments and plenty of time to potter around in the garden. The flowers of these plants are noted for their exotic beauty, a centrepiece of rich smells and splendour, much like ladies hats on Melbourne Cup Day. The flowers range in colour from purple to pink, and according to the White Stripes new single, even blue. They are inedible and have been known to cause nausea, a trait they share with the humble turnip chip.