Futon (n)

A type of lounge that folds into a sleeping device. Popular amongst uni students, guest rooms and people who enjoy receiving an unpleasant back massage during sleep. The bar in the middle of the unfurled mattress that one can feel during sleep has become infamous over the last few decades. Harry Moore from New York City caught on to the futon bandwagon when he was amazed at an unfolding demonstration in a local department store. He bought one straight away and decided to trade in his outdated water bed for the futon. Little did he realise that the United Nations had advised people not to sleep on futons for more than two days at a time, and has since become a hunchback. Thankfully though, he has found fame as ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame, New York’ and is set to become the new villain in the forthcoming forth SpiderMan film. Once called ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’, he was sued by Disney in 1996 and Mickey Mouse showed no mercy in confiscating all his personal possessions, including his beloved futon. Hunchback Harry is now sleeping on his former waterbed, which has leaked to become empty. February is known as Futonuary in Tokyo, as each day at 10am residents race their futons around the city streets. What once started as just wheel attachments has now turned into a technological phenomenon. At Futonuary earlier this year, one futon turned into a eleven-foot tall monster and began to eat its competitors while breathing flames from the infamous painful bar. One newspaper renamed the month ‘Crutonuary’ due to the toasted nature of the event, however nobody really found it all that funny. The FIFA World Cup has escalated the popularity of futons as fans enjoy lying down to cheer Australia on. In fact, yesterday’s loss to Germany caused many fans to throw their futons over balconies in anger. Futons have now been classified an endangered species. Turnip chips are synonymous with futons, and often are dropped in crevices between the cushions. Unfortunately they enjoy the damp nature of the couch and multiply quicker than rabbits. The United Nations also advise against eating turnip chips on futons before going away on holidays. When you come back, that futon’s gonna eat you.

Classic Word from 2007: Sizzle (v)

To sit in a hot pan and make a noise similar to “sssssssstss”. Sizzling can also occur from sitting in the sun for a very lengthy amount of time. A large Sydney radio station ran a promotion over summer named ‘Burn, Baby Burn’, in which contestants had to sit on Bondi beach naked, and without sunscreen. The goal was to outlast the opposing contestants in the heat and be the ‘last person sitting’; without the aid of sunscreen, water or shade. Needless to say, after four days of suffering in the heat, three out of four contestants died of dehydration. The major prize of a sandwich press didn’t end up all that worthwhile. This week’s word came in at number three on the ‘World’s Hardest Words to Say With a Lisp’ List 2007. It was well and truly beaten by the words ‘Thistle’ and ‘Architect’. Protesters around Australia have lobbied for the term ‘Sausage Sizzle’ to be replaced with a term such as ‘Sausage Spit’ or ‘Sausage Sssssssstss’ to truly reflect the sound created by the typical sound of a sausage cooking. Some also described the word ‘sizzle’ as wussy. The list of the World’s Most Sizzling Senior Celebrities has just been released for another year. Surprisingly Derryn Hinch, Ian Smith (Harold Bishop from Neighbours), Cornelia Frances (Morag on ‘Home and Away’) and Alan Jones topped the list. Sam doesn’t want to work out how. Singer John Mayer has become synonymous with sizzling, as he has taken on the new rock star quality sweeping the world of frying his guitar on stage, rather than smashing it. Inspired by watching re-runs of The Iron Chef, Mayer says that there’s nothing more rock (and fatty) than a deep-fried guitar. Other instruments rumoured to be fry-worthy include the bassoon, double bass and the harp. Users of the harp make note – deep fried strings may cause damage to your fingers. Turnip chips have been discovered to be the most sizzling food of all, particularly when placed on the bonnet of a hot car. Be warned however, that when having reached 46 degrees, turnip chips are guaranteed to self-combust.

Dizzy (adj)

The state of mind when one rotates oneself around, loses their bearings and the world starts spinning. Such a sensation can cause one to fall over, vomit, or fall down a stormwater drain. The broom game is a classic amongst uni students, where students spin around a number of times while holding a broomstick vertically and looking up to the top of the handle. Once the spinning is over, the contestant is to throw the broom on the ground and step over it. Those successful in the game receive a loud cheer from onlooking students, whereas those who fail trip over the broom, and win a trip to hospital via a broken window and a nasty fall. A woman was arrested in Sale, Victoria last week after various upset primary school students had reported the offender had been targeting swingsets in the area and spun the children using them. The kids ended up ravelled in the chains, which then unravelled and so forth. One child reportedly was wound up and down for four hours. The arrested woman revealed to officers that she was just trying to ‘punk’ the children, however the woman was charged once police ruled that ‘punking’ was so 2004. Pop rapper Dizzee Rascal gained his name from many years spent stealing wheelie chairs from office suppliers and riding them around shopping centres. His chair adventures were one day ground to a halt when he was pushed and locked in an elevator by a disgruntled security guard. Try wheeling yourself out of that one, Dizzee. News out of Disneyland last week included an item about sixteen year-old Britney Harrison who decided to ride the merry-go-round for eight hours straight. Despite Mickey & Minnie’s silent pleading, Britney refused to leave her plastic horse, believing it to have the ability to run off the merry-go-round should she spend enough time riding it. Unfortunately for Britney, she was escorted off the horse by a very stern Goofy and has since been unable to stop walking in circles. Obviously this circular walking technique isn’t very successful for getting places. The inventor of turnip chips was reportedly suffering regular dizzy spells upon creating the food. How ironic that the chip has been inflicting the same ill on its consumers ever since.