Futon (n)

A type of lounge that folds into a sleeping device. Popular amongst uni students, guest rooms and people who enjoy receiving an unpleasant back massage during sleep. The bar in the middle of the unfurled mattress that one can feel during sleep has become infamous over the last few decades. Harry Moore from New York City caught on to the futon bandwagon when he was amazed at an unfolding demonstration in a local department store. He bought one straight away and decided to trade in his outdated water bed for the futon. Little did he realise that the United Nations had advised people not to sleep on futons for more than two days at a time, and has since become a hunchback. Thankfully though, he has found fame as ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame, New York’ and is set to become the new villain in the forthcoming forth SpiderMan film. Once called ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’, he was sued by Disney in 1996 and Mickey Mouse showed no mercy in confiscating all his personal possessions, including his beloved futon. Hunchback Harry is now sleeping on his former waterbed, which has leaked to become empty. February is known as Futonuary in Tokyo, as each day at 10am residents race their futons around the city streets. What once started as just wheel attachments has now turned into a technological phenomenon. At Futonuary earlier this year, one futon turned into a eleven-foot tall monster and began to eat its competitors while breathing flames from the infamous painful bar. One newspaper renamed the month ‘Crutonuary’ due to the toasted nature of the event, however nobody really found it all that funny. The FIFA World Cup has escalated the popularity of futons as fans enjoy lying down to cheer Australia on. In fact, yesterday’s loss to Germany caused many fans to throw their futons over balconies in anger. Futons have now been classified an endangered species. Turnip chips are synonymous with futons, and often are dropped in crevices between the cushions. Unfortunately they enjoy the damp nature of the couch and multiply quicker than rabbits. The United Nations also advise against eating turnip chips on futons before going away on holidays. When you come back, that futon’s gonna eat you.