Face (n; v)

The part of your body that identifies yourself as being you, unless you’re a dog, an identical twin or a dalek. The face allows one to display expressions such as happiness, anger, or more complex confused emotions such as ‘I’m sure I can smell a strong whiff of cow manure but I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Is it on my shoe? Best scrape it on some grass, or maybe this rug’.  The faces of attendees at the Academy Awards on Monday were covered in drool after the majority of the crowd fell asleep in the middle of the 269-hour ceremony. Thankfully, their take-home packs included some diamond-encrusted KFC refresher towelettes for a quick, and sparkling clean. In 2002 ten-year-old Atlanta resident Timmy Hooper overheard his father talking about something having ‘face value’. Having struggled to earn enough pocket money by busking in front of his mother with marionettes and mowing the lawn with scissors, Timmy decided that his face would have enough value to earn him at least 200 yen and therefore buy that Nintendo 64 he’d wanted for ages. So he stole his father’s credit card and ordered some flesh-eating bacteria on the Internet from South America, in the vain hope that this might help remove his face. US customs seized the bacteria on arrival into the country and Timmy is now serving a life sentence - with a face - behind bars. Thankfully for Timmy this result was better than the person who took the suggestion ‘turn that frown upside down’ literally. Charlie Sheen’s face has often been likened to that of a hippopotamus, although the main difference here is that hippos get paid less but are much funnier. Last year a turnip chip was discovered with a likeness to the face of MacGyver actor Richard Dean Anderson. The chip sold on EBay for US$125 but it is widely agreed would have made more had it also contained a mullet.