Marmoset (n)

A tiny monkey, about the size of a fork, overgrown finger, or twenty centimetre ruler. Due to the size of the marmoset’s body, their brains are quite small and not all that brilliant. One prime example of their low brain capacity, is when marmosets often mistake their staple diet of insects for animal droppings but are still unable to tell the difference in taste. In 1997, Sydney resident Emma Turner returned from a holiday in South America and unknowingly brought back a marmoset in her luggage. Managing to make it through customs, she discovered the animal upon unpacking at home, and due to her bad eyesight thought her cat Whiskers must have had a kitten while she was away. Unfortunately Whiskers found and devoured the marmoset, and in turn died from jungle fever. A small community television station in South America recently launched a reality series named “Marmoset’s Got Talent” in which marmosets would perform tricks (such as leaping through flaming hoops, or drinking milk and squirting it out their nose) in order to win money. Unfortunately due to the animal’s small brain capacity, the majority of the marmosets ended up racing off stage and pulling out the audiences’ hairs. This created a ratings smash that even Ben Elton would be envious of.  The biggest cause of death to marmosets is being sat on by larger animals. The second is turnip chips, which explode when mixed with the marmoset’s stomach acid.

Face (n; v)

The part of your body that identifies yourself as being you, unless you’re a dog, an identical twin or a dalek. The face allows one to display expressions such as happiness, anger, or more complex confused emotions such as ‘I’m sure I can smell a strong whiff of cow manure but I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Is it on my shoe? Best scrape it on some grass, or maybe this rug’.  The faces of attendees at the Academy Awards on Monday were covered in drool after the majority of the crowd fell asleep in the middle of the 269-hour ceremony. Thankfully, their take-home packs included some diamond-encrusted KFC refresher towelettes for a quick, and sparkling clean. In 2002 ten-year-old Atlanta resident Timmy Hooper overheard his father talking about something having ‘face value’. Having struggled to earn enough pocket money by busking in front of his mother with marionettes and mowing the lawn with scissors, Timmy decided that his face would have enough value to earn him at least 200 yen and therefore buy that Nintendo 64 he’d wanted for ages. So he stole his father’s credit card and ordered some flesh-eating bacteria on the Internet from South America, in the vain hope that this might help remove his face. US customs seized the bacteria on arrival into the country and Timmy is now serving a life sentence - with a face - behind bars. Thankfully for Timmy this result was better than the person who took the suggestion ‘turn that frown upside down’ literally. Charlie Sheen’s face has often been likened to that of a hippopotamus, although the main difference here is that hippos get paid less but are much funnier. Last year a turnip chip was discovered with a likeness to the face of MacGyver actor Richard Dean Anderson. The chip sold on EBay for US$125 but it is widely agreed would have made more had it also contained a mullet.

Futon (n)

A type of lounge that folds into a sleeping device. Popular amongst uni students, guest rooms and people who enjoy receiving an unpleasant back massage during sleep. The bar in the middle of the unfurled mattress that one can feel during sleep has become infamous over the last few decades. Harry Moore from New York City caught on to the futon bandwagon when he was amazed at an unfolding demonstration in a local department store. He bought one straight away and decided to trade in his outdated water bed for the futon. Little did he realise that the United Nations had advised people not to sleep on futons for more than two days at a time, and has since become a hunchback. Thankfully though, he has found fame as ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame, New York’ and is set to become the new villain in the forthcoming forth SpiderMan film. Once called ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’, he was sued by Disney in 1996 and Mickey Mouse showed no mercy in confiscating all his personal possessions, including his beloved futon. Hunchback Harry is now sleeping on his former waterbed, which has leaked to become empty. February is known as Futonuary in Tokyo, as each day at 10am residents race their futons around the city streets. What once started as just wheel attachments has now turned into a technological phenomenon. At Futonuary earlier this year, one futon turned into a eleven-foot tall monster and began to eat its competitors while breathing flames from the infamous painful bar. One newspaper renamed the month ‘Crutonuary’ due to the toasted nature of the event, however nobody really found it all that funny. The FIFA World Cup has escalated the popularity of futons as fans enjoy lying down to cheer Australia on. In fact, yesterday’s loss to Germany caused many fans to throw their futons over balconies in anger. Futons have now been classified an endangered species. Turnip chips are synonymous with futons, and often are dropped in crevices between the cushions. Unfortunately they enjoy the damp nature of the couch and multiply quicker than rabbits. The United Nations also advise against eating turnip chips on futons before going away on holidays. When you come back, that futon’s gonna eat you.

Classic Word from 2007: Sizzle (v)

To sit in a hot pan and make a noise similar to “sssssssstss”. Sizzling can also occur from sitting in the sun for a very lengthy amount of time. A large Sydney radio station ran a promotion over summer named ‘Burn, Baby Burn’, in which contestants had to sit on Bondi beach naked, and without sunscreen. The goal was to outlast the opposing contestants in the heat and be the ‘last person sitting’; without the aid of sunscreen, water or shade. Needless to say, after four days of suffering in the heat, three out of four contestants died of dehydration. The major prize of a sandwich press didn’t end up all that worthwhile. This week’s word came in at number three on the ‘World’s Hardest Words to Say With a Lisp’ List 2007. It was well and truly beaten by the words ‘Thistle’ and ‘Architect’. Protesters around Australia have lobbied for the term ‘Sausage Sizzle’ to be replaced with a term such as ‘Sausage Spit’ or ‘Sausage Sssssssstss’ to truly reflect the sound created by the typical sound of a sausage cooking. Some also described the word ‘sizzle’ as wussy. The list of the World’s Most Sizzling Senior Celebrities has just been released for another year. Surprisingly Derryn Hinch, Ian Smith (Harold Bishop from Neighbours), Cornelia Frances (Morag on ‘Home and Away’) and Alan Jones topped the list. Sam doesn’t want to work out how. Singer John Mayer has become synonymous with sizzling, as he has taken on the new rock star quality sweeping the world of frying his guitar on stage, rather than smashing it. Inspired by watching re-runs of The Iron Chef, Mayer says that there’s nothing more rock (and fatty) than a deep-fried guitar. Other instruments rumoured to be fry-worthy include the bassoon, double bass and the harp. Users of the harp make note – deep fried strings may cause damage to your fingers. Turnip chips have been discovered to be the most sizzling food of all, particularly when placed on the bonnet of a hot car. Be warned however, that when having reached 46 degrees, turnip chips are guaranteed to self-combust.

Dizzy (adj)

The state of mind when one rotates oneself around, loses their bearings and the world starts spinning. Such a sensation can cause one to fall over, vomit, or fall down a stormwater drain. The broom game is a classic amongst uni students, where students spin around a number of times while holding a broomstick vertically and looking up to the top of the handle. Once the spinning is over, the contestant is to throw the broom on the ground and step over it. Those successful in the game receive a loud cheer from onlooking students, whereas those who fail trip over the broom, and win a trip to hospital via a broken window and a nasty fall. A woman was arrested in Sale, Victoria last week after various upset primary school students had reported the offender had been targeting swingsets in the area and spun the children using them. The kids ended up ravelled in the chains, which then unravelled and so forth. One child reportedly was wound up and down for four hours. The arrested woman revealed to officers that she was just trying to ‘punk’ the children, however the woman was charged once police ruled that ‘punking’ was so 2004. Pop rapper Dizzee Rascal gained his name from many years spent stealing wheelie chairs from office suppliers and riding them around shopping centres. His chair adventures were one day ground to a halt when he was pushed and locked in an elevator by a disgruntled security guard. Try wheeling yourself out of that one, Dizzee. News out of Disneyland last week included an item about sixteen year-old Britney Harrison who decided to ride the merry-go-round for eight hours straight. Despite Mickey & Minnie’s silent pleading, Britney refused to leave her plastic horse, believing it to have the ability to run off the merry-go-round should she spend enough time riding it. Unfortunately for Britney, she was escorted off the horse by a very stern Goofy and has since been unable to stop walking in circles. Obviously this circular walking technique isn’t very successful for getting places. The inventor of turnip chips was reportedly suffering regular dizzy spells upon creating the food. How ironic that the chip has been inflicting the same ill on its consumers ever since.

Classic Word from 2007: Fungal (adj.)

Having the properties of a fungus, or some other rather sickening growth. Charles Sturt University is well renowned for fungus. In 1989, a group of uni students living in Nappy Alley pushed for the Alley’s title to be renamed Fungus Grove, due to the colourful patterns of mould spreading on the sides of some of the houses. One night during exam weeks, as described by urban myth, a crazed uni student out of coffee and groceries went on a wild romp licking all the mould off the buildings. Various sightings, including from security, testify this as truth. A small Chilean town known as Funghetti is the world’s first ‘Tinea Town’. This means that everyone in the town must have tinea as a requirement of residency. The community gathers weekly for games of barefoot soccer, tae kwon doe and footsies. Oh, and communal foot massages are always a favourite. A popular type of fungus is mould, which is a rather good friend to old sandwiches. Sam once read about a ham sandwich left alone for three years. The mould grew so much that it turned into a monster, consuming the residents of the house at the time. The sandwich is now safely locked away under maximum security, but is due for parole in two years time. Bumbling ‘Dancing With the Stars’ host Daryl Somers recently admitted to various tabloid magazines that he has a private fungus collection at home, which he grows to fill in the void between Tuesdays. He keeps them in trophy cabinets, all with pet names, and he chooses a new favourite each week to accompany him around the house in his shirt pocket. He also sings it to sleep, reciting songs off his latest woeful album. Daryl, the fungus has feelings too. The entire universe was shaken last week with the disturbing news that turnip chips are 99% fungus, and 1% turnip. No exaggeration whatsoever.

Jus (n)

An ooh-la-la word to describe sauce served with meat. While the word looks as though it should be pronounced Jus as in Just, it is actually Jus as in blue, flu, crew or peek-a-boo. Sam would have also written poo but that would have been far too immature. Barbeque sauce, while served with meat, should never be referred to as barbeque jus. Should one describe the sauce as such during a barbeque in order to impress mates, this would create such a socially awkward situation that guests would slowly collect their children and/or loved ones before jumping over the fence or into the pool screaming. While you’d no longer have friends, at least you’d have plenty of barbeque jus for yourself. The popularity of Masterchef has given jus a new lease of life. Many different types of jus are created on the show including red wine jus, orange jus, and barkchip jus. The show has proven that you can use basically any ingredient in a jus, so long as you add a French word into the description and make it smear it across the plate in the most unattractive way possible. Last week jus became a trending topic on Twitter when a gaggle of teenagers got lazy when writing out ‘Justin Bieber’ and instead wrote Jus. Such tweets involving jus included: “Baby Baby Baby #jus”, “I can’t believe he didn’t accept the invite to my barbeque #jus” and when a Bieber spotting was proven false in Denver, USA a fan tweeted “I #jus can’t believe it’s not #jus” Matt Preston was reportedly rather excited about this newfound jus popularity, but heartbroken when he realised it was actually about Justin Bieber, and Justin Bieber wasn’t edible. Studies have proven that if a jus was created from turnip chips, it would be classified radioactive waste and would need to be sent into outer space for safety reasons. Or sent to Emo Santa’s icy lair in Antarctica. He’s mad for radioactive jus.