Lozenge (n)

A small lolly designed to soothe one’s throat, or make money from sick folk. A sick and bedridden Sam this week discovered that lozenges are now injected with ‘anti-inflammatory’ ingredients that cause one’s tongue to turn numb. This strange sensation caused Sam to try and reignite life into his tongue, licking all sorts of objects to try and taste again. The lounge tasted like feet. No doubt Sam’s pharmacist friends will pipe in and explain the purpose of this numbing ingredient, which Sam believes is so users get to sample new world flavours including shoe, brick and DVD cabinet. In 1996 the Parker family of Beecroft, Sydney, accidentally fed their dog a throat lozenge instead of a worming tablet. The lozenge had such a strong effect on the pooch that it began to speak Shakespearian English and proclaimed ‘Thy Chum art too pedestrian’ and requested canapés instead. The dog also politely requested its name be changed from Otis to Othello. Its worms remained. Unicorns were once believed to eat raspberry lozenges as their staple diet. Their constant lozenge-grazing resulted in their entire bodies becoming numb, and in turn melting in the sun. This melting phenomenon turned them into raspberry jelly crystals, which are still the ones we eat today. Unicorns are delicious. Lozenges are often noted to have a laxative effect, similar to that of the turnip chip, which can cause consumers to remain toilet-bound for hours on end. The above article may or may not be influenced by cold & flu tablets and/or throat lozenges. If symptoms persist, please consult Sam’s doctor.