Futon (n)

A type of lounge that folds into a sleeping device. Popular amongst uni students, guest rooms and people who enjoy receiving an unpleasant back massage during sleep. The bar in the middle of the unfurled mattress that one can feel during sleep has become infamous over the last few decades. Harry Moore from New York City caught on to the futon bandwagon when he was amazed at an unfolding demonstration in a local department store. He bought one straight away and decided to trade in his outdated water bed for the futon. Little did he realise that the United Nations had advised people not to sleep on futons for more than two days at a time, and has since become a hunchback. Thankfully though, he has found fame as ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame, New York’ and is set to become the new villain in the forthcoming forth SpiderMan film. Once called ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’, he was sued by Disney in 1996 and Mickey Mouse showed no mercy in confiscating all his personal possessions, including his beloved futon. Hunchback Harry is now sleeping on his former waterbed, which has leaked to become empty. February is known as Futonuary in Tokyo, as each day at 10am residents race their futons around the city streets. What once started as just wheel attachments has now turned into a technological phenomenon. At Futonuary earlier this year, one futon turned into a eleven-foot tall monster and began to eat its competitors while breathing flames from the infamous painful bar. One newspaper renamed the month ‘Crutonuary’ due to the toasted nature of the event, however nobody really found it all that funny. The FIFA World Cup has escalated the popularity of futons as fans enjoy lying down to cheer Australia on. In fact, yesterday’s loss to Germany caused many fans to throw their futons over balconies in anger. Futons have now been classified an endangered species. Turnip chips are synonymous with futons, and often are dropped in crevices between the cushions. Unfortunately they enjoy the damp nature of the couch and multiply quicker than rabbits. The United Nations also advise against eating turnip chips on futons before going away on holidays. When you come back, that futon’s gonna eat you.

Classic Word from 2007: Sizzle (v)

To sit in a hot pan and make a noise similar to “sssssssstss”. Sizzling can also occur from sitting in the sun for a very lengthy amount of time. A large Sydney radio station ran a promotion over summer named ‘Burn, Baby Burn’, in which contestants had to sit on Bondi beach naked, and without sunscreen. The goal was to outlast the opposing contestants in the heat and be the ‘last person sitting’; without the aid of sunscreen, water or shade. Needless to say, after four days of suffering in the heat, three out of four contestants died of dehydration. The major prize of a sandwich press didn’t end up all that worthwhile. This week’s word came in at number three on the ‘World’s Hardest Words to Say With a Lisp’ List 2007. It was well and truly beaten by the words ‘Thistle’ and ‘Architect’. Protesters around Australia have lobbied for the term ‘Sausage Sizzle’ to be replaced with a term such as ‘Sausage Spit’ or ‘Sausage Sssssssstss’ to truly reflect the sound created by the typical sound of a sausage cooking. Some also described the word ‘sizzle’ as wussy. The list of the World’s Most Sizzling Senior Celebrities has just been released for another year. Surprisingly Derryn Hinch, Ian Smith (Harold Bishop from Neighbours), Cornelia Frances (Morag on ‘Home and Away’) and Alan Jones topped the list. Sam doesn’t want to work out how. Singer John Mayer has become synonymous with sizzling, as he has taken on the new rock star quality sweeping the world of frying his guitar on stage, rather than smashing it. Inspired by watching re-runs of The Iron Chef, Mayer says that there’s nothing more rock (and fatty) than a deep-fried guitar. Other instruments rumoured to be fry-worthy include the bassoon, double bass and the harp. Users of the harp make note – deep fried strings may cause damage to your fingers. Turnip chips have been discovered to be the most sizzling food of all, particularly when placed on the bonnet of a hot car. Be warned however, that when having reached 46 degrees, turnip chips are guaranteed to self-combust.

Dizzy (adj)

The state of mind when one rotates oneself around, loses their bearings and the world starts spinning. Such a sensation can cause one to fall over, vomit, or fall down a stormwater drain. The broom game is a classic amongst uni students, where students spin around a number of times while holding a broomstick vertically and looking up to the top of the handle. Once the spinning is over, the contestant is to throw the broom on the ground and step over it. Those successful in the game receive a loud cheer from onlooking students, whereas those who fail trip over the broom, and win a trip to hospital via a broken window and a nasty fall. A woman was arrested in Sale, Victoria last week after various upset primary school students had reported the offender had been targeting swingsets in the area and spun the children using them. The kids ended up ravelled in the chains, which then unravelled and so forth. One child reportedly was wound up and down for four hours. The arrested woman revealed to officers that she was just trying to ‘punk’ the children, however the woman was charged once police ruled that ‘punking’ was so 2004. Pop rapper Dizzee Rascal gained his name from many years spent stealing wheelie chairs from office suppliers and riding them around shopping centres. His chair adventures were one day ground to a halt when he was pushed and locked in an elevator by a disgruntled security guard. Try wheeling yourself out of that one, Dizzee. News out of Disneyland last week included an item about sixteen year-old Britney Harrison who decided to ride the merry-go-round for eight hours straight. Despite Mickey & Minnie’s silent pleading, Britney refused to leave her plastic horse, believing it to have the ability to run off the merry-go-round should she spend enough time riding it. Unfortunately for Britney, she was escorted off the horse by a very stern Goofy and has since been unable to stop walking in circles. Obviously this circular walking technique isn’t very successful for getting places. The inventor of turnip chips was reportedly suffering regular dizzy spells upon creating the food. How ironic that the chip has been inflicting the same ill on its consumers ever since.

Classic Word from 2007: Fungal (adj.)

Having the properties of a fungus, or some other rather sickening growth. Charles Sturt University is well renowned for fungus. In 1989, a group of uni students living in Nappy Alley pushed for the Alley’s title to be renamed Fungus Grove, due to the colourful patterns of mould spreading on the sides of some of the houses. One night during exam weeks, as described by urban myth, a crazed uni student out of coffee and groceries went on a wild romp licking all the mould off the buildings. Various sightings, including from security, testify this as truth. A small Chilean town known as Funghetti is the world’s first ‘Tinea Town’. This means that everyone in the town must have tinea as a requirement of residency. The community gathers weekly for games of barefoot soccer, tae kwon doe and footsies. Oh, and communal foot massages are always a favourite. A popular type of fungus is mould, which is a rather good friend to old sandwiches. Sam once read about a ham sandwich left alone for three years. The mould grew so much that it turned into a monster, consuming the residents of the house at the time. The sandwich is now safely locked away under maximum security, but is due for parole in two years time. Bumbling ‘Dancing With the Stars’ host Daryl Somers recently admitted to various tabloid magazines that he has a private fungus collection at home, which he grows to fill in the void between Tuesdays. He keeps them in trophy cabinets, all with pet names, and he chooses a new favourite each week to accompany him around the house in his shirt pocket. He also sings it to sleep, reciting songs off his latest woeful album. Daryl, the fungus has feelings too. The entire universe was shaken last week with the disturbing news that turnip chips are 99% fungus, and 1% turnip. No exaggeration whatsoever.

Jus (n)

An ooh-la-la word to describe sauce served with meat. While the word looks as though it should be pronounced Jus as in Just, it is actually Jus as in blue, flu, crew or peek-a-boo. Sam would have also written poo but that would have been far too immature. Barbeque sauce, while served with meat, should never be referred to as barbeque jus. Should one describe the sauce as such during a barbeque in order to impress mates, this would create such a socially awkward situation that guests would slowly collect their children and/or loved ones before jumping over the fence or into the pool screaming. While you’d no longer have friends, at least you’d have plenty of barbeque jus for yourself. The popularity of Masterchef has given jus a new lease of life. Many different types of jus are created on the show including red wine jus, orange jus, and barkchip jus. The show has proven that you can use basically any ingredient in a jus, so long as you add a French word into the description and make it smear it across the plate in the most unattractive way possible. Last week jus became a trending topic on Twitter when a gaggle of teenagers got lazy when writing out ‘Justin Bieber’ and instead wrote Jus. Such tweets involving jus included: “Baby Baby Baby #jus”, “I can’t believe he didn’t accept the invite to my barbeque #jus” and when a Bieber spotting was proven false in Denver, USA a fan tweeted “I #jus can’t believe it’s not #jus” Matt Preston was reportedly rather excited about this newfound jus popularity, but heartbroken when he realised it was actually about Justin Bieber, and Justin Bieber wasn’t edible. Studies have proven that if a jus was created from turnip chips, it would be classified radioactive waste and would need to be sent into outer space for safety reasons. Or sent to Emo Santa’s icy lair in Antarctica. He’s mad for radioactive jus.

Classic Word from 2006: Study (v)

Something of which no student wants to do, although knows that in the end it is inevitable – unless of course you are studying an Arts degree and get to nick off on holidays two weeks early. A recent survey has shown that numerous study techniques abound across campus. Perhaps the strangest involves studying with the Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ one hit “The Impression That I Get” playing on repeat in the background. How very annoying. One must always remember that study breaks are vital for the ability to focus. Recommended study break activities include jogging, chainsaw juggling, skittle eating and bird watching. This is also the time of year to be considerate of your neighbours and housemates, so please crank up your Mighty Mighty Bosstones CD as loud as it will go to help them concentrate too. Or you could just pop on 5ive’s Greatest Hits to soothe their troubled minds. A University in America recently stated that when studying in winter, students should always keep a hot water bottle on their head. Unfortunately, some students misinterpreted this and poured boiling water on their heads, before smashing a glass bottle on it. They weren’t able to complete their exams, and were forced to drop out of their respective courses. Pop tragic Jessica Simpson once stated that she never studied during high school. No punch line required.

Lozenge (n)

A small lolly designed to soothe one’s throat, or make money from sick folk. A sick and bedridden Sam this week discovered that lozenges are now injected with ‘anti-inflammatory’ ingredients that cause one’s tongue to turn numb. This strange sensation caused Sam to try and reignite life into his tongue, licking all sorts of objects to try and taste again. The lounge tasted like feet. No doubt Sam’s pharmacist friends will pipe in and explain the purpose of this numbing ingredient, which Sam believes is so users get to sample new world flavours including shoe, brick and DVD cabinet. In 1996 the Parker family of Beecroft, Sydney, accidentally fed their dog a throat lozenge instead of a worming tablet. The lozenge had such a strong effect on the pooch that it began to speak Shakespearian English and proclaimed ‘Thy Chum art too pedestrian’ and requested canapés instead. The dog also politely requested its name be changed from Otis to Othello. Its worms remained. Unicorns were once believed to eat raspberry lozenges as their staple diet. Their constant lozenge-grazing resulted in their entire bodies becoming numb, and in turn melting in the sun. This melting phenomenon turned them into raspberry jelly crystals, which are still the ones we eat today. Unicorns are delicious. Lozenges are often noted to have a laxative effect, similar to that of the turnip chip, which can cause consumers to remain toilet-bound for hours on end. The above article may or may not be influenced by cold & flu tablets and/or throat lozenges. If symptoms persist, please consult Sam’s doctor.

Classic Word from 2006: Bland (n)

Plain, boring, or un-wild. Almost the kind of word you would use to describe the experience of watching paint dry while playing chess with three 80 year olds with the financial news playing in the background. A recent poll was undertaken to find the most bland thing in the world. Fishcakes topped the rank, followed by fishcakes with tartar sauce. Some daring journalists even said that the Beaconsfield mine disaster had become rather bland by the tenth day of rescue. It is reported that having Kochie in the area wasn’t helping improve the blandness either. The recent budget was aired on the ABC up against the final of Dancing With the Stars. Surprisingly, the budget out rated the dancing by 70%, mostly due to the fact that the majority of Australians find Daryl Somers much more bland than national finances. Recent reviews of the latest Red Hot Chili Peppers album conclude that the album isn’t ‘bland’ as such, but rather ‘sounds very much like every other Peppers album’. Pop tragics Nickelback may have had critical acclaim worldwide for their tracks, but the truth of the matter is that they are blander than every other band out there (yes, including Toto), and many would rather have their teeth extracted without anesthetic than hear “Photograph” one more time. Myself included.

Log (n)

A felled tree. Young Chris Baker, 14, from Perth last week decided to thwart Jessica Watson’s around-the-world sailing effort by setting sail on the world’s first sailing logboat. Chris uncovered a telegraph pole in the bushes by the beach and rolled it down the hill to the water’s edge (unfortunately crushing two badgers along the way). He then got his Uncle Bruno (a dry cleaner) to hitch some freshly-pressed shirts on a rope before setting sail. Chris made it two metres before getting bored, going home and playing Wii. Masterchef was embroiled in controversy at the weekend when a contestant included bark chips in their apple log. How awkward. Logs were originally intended to be the place for one to reflect: placing elbow on knee, and fist under chin. It isn’t as easy to sit on blogs. Many famous inventors were struck by creative ideas whilst seated on logs. Newly knighted Mark Sham invented his Sham Wow when he found that his rear end kept getting damp whenever he would sit on his favourite log. Unfortunately the ShamWow he invented to solve the problem sucked all moisture out of the forest, creating a desert. Addicts of turnip chips, Trolls tend to hide the salty food inside logs for safekeeping. Little do they realise that turnip chips disintegrate into poison after ten minutes, causing the consumer to explode after eating.

Classic Word from 2006: Squid (n)

The squid is a distant cousin of the fish, but then again, so is the buffalo. Squid have also had close links with the cockroach. Once, cockroaches knew how to swim, and provided squids worldwide with protein and that extra crunch that they so desire. During the arrival of the Queen last week in Sydney, the Opera House’s windows were glazed with squid intestines in an attempt to block the view from overhead helicopters of her and Janette Howard’s identical lime green coloured frocks (also suspected to be lizard costumes). In an unseen twist, the Queen claimed that she enjoyed the aroma, describing it as “delightful”, “scrumptious” and “just a tad bit exciting”. She demanded a pet squid in a tank be placed on the seat next to her during the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games. Video footage of the event proved that she occasionally patted it and read it stories. The squid are a dying species, so please open your hearts and find it inside you to eat blue ringed octopus instead. Pop tragic James Blunt allegedly wrote his smash hit “Beautiful” about a squid he fancied. Unfortunately, the squid was taken away by the RSPCA (or said equivalent), and Blunt wrote his next single “Goodbye My Lover” out of sheer heartbreak.

Three (n, adj.)

A number, higher than one and two but less than thirty-seven. It is also the amount of years that this article was in recess until returning to loyal readers. The packet of chips, fun-size Mars Bar packed by Mum and the loo visit were all enjoyable. Rumours spun into overdrive that Sam’s “comeback” was untrue following the Ian Thorpe comeback rumours being proven false yesterday. Sam is pleased to report that he has been approached for Undercover Angels season two and will juggle this together with Word of the Week commitments. Three is also the amount of cents Sam used to be paid per word to write this drivel on a weekly basis. There is no such reward for writing on the Internet other than the occasional self-imposed pat on the back and pop-up ringtone advertisement. In an effort to gain some popularity similar to “Internet sensation” Justin Bieber, Sam pitched the Word of the Week idea to YouTube as a weekly feature. He was told that such an idea is ridiculous and to come back when a feature film screenplay was written and ready. Russell Crowe is now in early talks to play Sam and Susan Sarandon to play turnip chips. Rumour has it that in preparation for the role Sarandon is constantly consuming turnip chips and washing them down hourly with a cup of salt. Sam claims no responsibility for any shrivelling such strenuous training may cause.

Biscuit (n)

A type of food greatly loved by children, grandparents and many of those aged in between. Created in the dark ages, these foods are now synonymous with being a rather unhealthy item to eat in mass amounts. Whoever said they wanted a packet of tim-tams that never runs out should seriously take a step back and have a good think. Controversy surrounded the recent blitz at a national dog food company, after a concerned person claimed that the dog biscuits were too hard to chew. He was the victim of a broken jaw, four lost teeth and became the butt of many jokes for weeks. Allegedly he thought the label read “good biscuits”. McDonalds have recently added a tantalising range of onion, parsnip and fish biscuits to their menu, right alongside the new $1.50 single slice of toast. Pop tragedies Limp Bizkit have completely disappeared from the face of the earth, and while some may argue this is due to the daring and edgy spelling of the world “biscuit”; the truth is that they just weren’t really all that good.

The rumours are true, Sam's Word is back.

The other day I was thinking that it's been a while since I last wrote a Sam's Word of the Week. Sure, CSU and Hungappa days are well and truly behind me, but I quite enjoyed writing about nothing for 3 cents per word. So now with the popularity of blogging on the Internerd and the reward of no cents per word, I've decided to resurrect Sam's Word of the Week. This here blog existed during 2005 but my Words kept going throughout 2006-2007 so I'll be posting those on here on a regular basis, plus write some new ones from time to time.

That's the word on the street. Feel free to comment, and enjoy!